I have always been that girl- the girl that was always alright. The girl that hid pain and hurt deep down inside because that was easier than dealing with it. The girl that very few people really knew, even if they thought that they did. But now I refuse to be that girl anymore. I refuse to hide behind a wall that protects me, but keeps me from living.
Over the last year- I have worked hard on me. Not in the same way that I did in 2014 and 2015. For those two years, I focused on losing weight, getting down to a ‘suitable’ size and otherwise making the outward me look good. But when I got to the size that made me ‘happy’, I found out that that didn’t really make me all that happy. The things that I thought would come along with it, just didn’t. I had worked so hard to only feel empty when I got to where I wanted to be.
And that emptiness led me to look at the inside-to look at my hurts and really try to address them. This year showed me that life happens and I still need to learn how to cope. I found that I needed to work on my soul and trust that once that was right, my body would follow. Because it did not matter that my outside was good, when I was struggling with where I want to be in life. I was, and am, struggling so much with where I want my life to be.
I realized that burying my pain deep inside was only going to make things worse. It was not going to allow me to move on past the things that hurt me and to the life that I truly wanted. I didn’t come to this conclusion on my own, I came to this conclusion from taking on some heavy duty introspection and reading as many self help books as I could get my hands on. I also had some really long chats with good friends who get me-who understand why I buried things so deep for so many years.
They get the girl that feels too much and never half feels anything. The girl that has been profoundly hurt over and over and had never really dealt with that pain. The girl that wants to let people see her heart, but is terrified at the fact that people will not realize how hard that is for her to open up. They get me. And because they get me-they have been there as I learn to actually deal with pain.
So this pain and hurt is different than all of the other times. This time-I have let people know that I hurt. I have opened up and said ‘I am hurt and I am not alright’, which is hard for the girl that is ‘always alright’. More importantly though- I have not ignored what I needed. I have take uncomfortable steps to address what I need to get over what I feel. I have surprised myself with confronting issues, instead of pushing them aside and trying to just cope. At this point though-what I am most astounding by-is the fact that I have found courage in hurting.
I have found courage to face what hurts the most. I have found courage to tell my friends where I truly stand and trust that they will not judge it. I have found courage to say that I am getting better every day, but not every day will be a great day. I have found courage in me.
I write all of that to say this-take time to find your courage. Take time to find your peace. Take time to find the person that you truly want to be and move towards being that person every day. It may hurt. It may be uncomfortable- but it will be worth it. You will find moments of peace and courage and pride. Those moments will keep you going. Those moments will show your progress and that is all most of us can hope for-progress not perfection.