This is going to be a tough one to talk about, while I am decent at giving dating advice- I am absolutely horrible at following my own advice. I can also admit that I still have a lot to learn about dating and as I was talking to my mom the other night, I said something that she seemed to think was wise. Right now- I am learning how to date. I’m not sitting here saying that I am looking for Mr. Right and that he must have x-y and z characteristics, what I am saying is that I am trying to be open to the entire process. That means the good and the bad. The boys that I do like and the boys that I don’t have the faintest interest in and learning how to deal with both situations.
I’ve talked about being a late bloomer and the things that that entails. I know the many basics of relationships and I understand a great deal of how things are supposed to work- but things don’t usually work in the way that the lovely advice guides say that they will. Actually it seems that a lot of things work against these general advice guides. While it is good for the basics, there are just some things that you cannot learn without experience. There is only so much that reading can actually help you, before it might actually hurt you.
So, at this point I am working on being comfortable with dating. It is awkward for me to think of guys actually being attracted to me, I have a hard time believing it and as I told my mother, I am trying to come to terms with the fact that other people see things in me that I do not see. Other people may find me to actually be pretty, when I don’t see that in myself. Years and years of self doubt and a bit of self hatred are not going to simply be undone by a few weeks of working on me. It is going to take months, if not years to dig myself out of the pit that I put myself in. The fact is though- I am coming to terms with the fact that people may see things in me that I don’t see and that I shouldn’t doubt what they see. I should embrace it and maybe by taking a little look through their eyes, I will find some things that I have completely missed in myself.
I am a firm believer in asking other people for advice and help, although there are times when I don’t want help, I know when I just have to break down and ask for it. So lately I have been asking some of the uncomfortable questions that I have with dating and I have been trying to get perspective from the people around me who are in successful relationships. I am also trying to learn from my friends that haven’t exactly been lucky in love either- whether it was their fault or their partners, ultimately it is all information that I can use. The problem that I am finding is that my ideals and the generation that I live in are really wrong.
I’m not delusional enough to believe that I can give a guy the cold shoulder and be a very mean person to him and he will take it as my being interested. I am just completely unsure of HOW to get across that I am interested without coming across as either 1.) desperate or 2.) completely insane. I recently talked about how I am finding it difficult to come to terms with the fact that my being nice to people is being taken in ways that I never really imagined it would be taken. Dating articles explain many things that you should do, but I think that the generalizations really hurt more than anything else. Each situation is unique and I’m trying to learn how to put myself out there just enough to show that I’m interested, without putting myself out there far enough that I am really going to get hurt. The one thing that I agree with with dating advice is that if a guy is interested, he will eventually find the courage to ask a girl out. I may have ruined what could be potentially awesome relationships by waiting for a guy that never had the confidence to make a move, but I have never had success with asking a guy out.
There- I came out with my dirty little secret. The girl, who her friends come to for relationship advice, is a bit of a relationship novice. I am one of those girls that has only been on a handful of dates and I get this horrible feeling every time that I become interested in a guy that he is going to reject me on the principle that pretty much every other guy has. Admittedly, I am not giving this new guy credit where credit is due and letting him prove whether or not he is actually a good guy. I am going off my past experiences and that is something that I really have to work past. I have to learn that not every single guy out there is the same as the guys that I have been around in the past. The fact is, I still have a lot to learn about dating. A lot of things that are not going to be comfortable or pleasant and they may just make me want to run and hide, but I will not do that again. I’ve hidden away from these problems for far too long, so I am absolutely going with the ‘fake it till you make’ mentality and we’ll just see where it gets me.