Today I made a big step for myself, I stamped down my awkwardness and told it that it was not allowed to rule my day today. After a couple of days where all I felt was awkward in my own skin, it was a bit of a relief to get that little voice in my head under controlled and corralled away from the saner part of my brain.
There are many times that awkward situations occur and what you do determines exactly how you’re going to feel about it. You can laugh, you can smile or you can let the feelings continue to nag the living crap out of you. I don’t want to be nagged anymore…I really don’t have the time to have that little voice in the back of my head telling me how much I screwed up. I don’t need to be fighting myself anymore than I already do.
I’m really trying to learn more about myself, as I allow myself to open up to the people that are around me. I have hidden parts of myself for so many years because I was afraid that it wouldn’t be accepted. It is not that I do not care anymore, it’s just that I have started to accept these parts of me that aren’t really my favorite parts and I know that they aren’t really that bad. It is just something that I have always been afraid of- that accepting myself the way I am means that I am just settling.
I now realize that I’m not settling- I’m just accepting myself as I am. The ten (okay..twenty) pounds that I need to lose, the thighs that will always force me into a size bigger jeans and the general nervousness that lives inside of me. I can admit that I am a bit of a nervous person…maybe more than a bit, but it takes a lot for me to dampen that down and push away any awkwardness that I feel. I’ve learned what being awkward around people can get me…I just don’t know what I’m going to get when I’m really being me. I guess we’re going to find that out though.