There is no worse way to hurt yourself than psyching yourself out and I am one of those people that seems to have a knack at doing this. I actually find that I am doing it right now and I absolutely hate it. The question that I have to pose to myself is how in the world I am going to pull myself out of it and stop it in it’s tracks…this time.
The first step to this process is realizing that I am doing such a thing- I’ve realized it. I can actually feel myself pulling back inside of my shell as I try to protect myself from a danger that does not yet exist. I’m trying to protect myself from the danger of disappointment and by doing so I am causing the very thing that I am trying to prevent.
Yep, this is probably psychological babble at its finest. I’m not going to attempt to try to explain it. I’m not going to attempt to put into words how, exactly, this happens. That is far beyond my level of learning and probably in the realm of something that will just make me have a thorough headache.
Instead, I am going to try to write about the things that I can possibly do to improve this. Or at the very least what I am going to do now to try to stop myself from self-sabotaging myself once again. This time- I am determined that I will not shoot myself in the foot, yet again.
I have talked about my relationship woes a bit and this is especially where I shoot myself in the foot. I close down when someone gets too close to my walls. This time, I’m really trying not to, but I feel it anyway. I feel the awkwardness and I feel myself closing down, all because I am completely at a loss at what I should really do. There is only so much that reading can tell you and after spending far too long analyzing things- I generally feel worse than I did in the beginning.
So- right now…I have to learn. I have to learn how to make myself be myself and not be afraid. Even if I am afraid, even if I am completely and utterly terrified. For the first time and probably not the last, I have to push past this. Because if I don’t I’m going to find myself back in the same place that I was in previously and I really do not want to be there. Ever again.