Being the ‘Friend’

Aren’t those simply some of the worst words in the history of relationship problems?  ‘Let’s just be friends.’  Oh yay- I am overjoyed at the fact that you value me enough to want to be my friend, but you avoid wanting to be anything more.  It’s right up there with ‘I don’t want to ruin our friendship’. Now, I’m not going to blame all men for this.  I’m not even going to cast all the blame on the men that have said these words to me.  The question here is, why is it so hard to move from being a friend to being something more?

For some people it is simple, friends is all that they should ever be and they both know it.  However, after many years of being friends one or both of them begin to think that trying a relationship would be great.  Then one of them comes to the realization that they shouldn’t do that- this is when people generally get hurt.  Some times both friends come to this conclusion, together, but that rarely happens.  In the real world- they might have just ruined their friendship.

The above scenario is part of the reason why so many people do not want to move past being friends into something more.  Sadly, it does not decrease the frustration that many women feel when they are certain that a man is more interested in them than the ‘just friends’ line.  I know that many people would say that sometimes you just have to take the leap of faith and hope that things will work out.  That is a good thing to do- but after a few times of taking said leaps, I’m a bit tired of landing face down in a putrid mud puddle.

For years I was always considered, one of the guys.  I got along better with the guys that were my age and I didn’t think twice about having guys as friends.  That lasted about until the time I was thirteen and my mind started to change from guys that are my friends to guys that I could date.  At this point, being considered one of the guys was a royal pain and it something that I still struggle with today.  A girl who knows her facts and figures about football- great friend- not necessarily the girl that they want to take home to mommy though.  So, this is where I sit. I honestly don’t know if I know how to make myself into a good girlfriend or even someone that would be viewed as a girlfriend over ‘just a friend’.

I wish I could say that I have some sort of groundbreaking method that I am willing to try to make a huge change to myself and in doing so that will lead me out of being the perpetual ‘friend’.  I don’t have that though- I don’t have anything any where near it.  All I have is a bit of resolve that says that being friends isn’t all that bad, except when you don’t want to be friends.  Ultimately- I’m never going to act like some jealous wench when one of my guy friends gets into a relationship- it is not who I am.  I also know that sometimes friendships can move into the relationship face without becoming absolute failures.  But until then, there are still some days when it just sucks being the ‘friend’.

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One thought on “Being the ‘Friend’

  1. Hi Bailey. I came across your blog while doing research for my own which is dedicted to helping men improve their relationships among other things. What baffled me about your post is how you sound very similar to men who I have come across that complain about the very same thing.

    Sometimes the men are to blame for this because they fear rejection so much that they would rather get to know the person under the guise of friendship when their intention is something completely different. The problem is that a romantic relationship requires sexual tension and friendship is the antithesis of that. Lovers do oftentimes eventually become friends as the relationship matures. Friends very very rarely become lovers.

    Perhaps your social circle only brings you into contact with men who are too shy to make the first move? Or is it possible you are doing the equivalent of what men do when the fear of rejection looms so large that they try to ingratiate themselves by seeming more sensitive, caring, and understanding than the average guy? The mistake here is that being more feminine will not attract feminine women.

    If you are coming off as one of the guys as you say you are prone to do, that is one sure way to snuff out any sexual tension there might have been.

    Hope that helps.

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