Have you ever woken up one day and realized that you are not happy? I am sure that this is something that happens more than many of us really want to admit. I cannot say that this is the first time that I realized this about myself- I can say that this is the first time that I have really thought about it.
Thinking about things does get me in trouble, because there are some things in life that you just cannot rationalize. There are some things in life that have no real explanation other than the one that you come up with in order to deal with the pain. The fact is- many of us want to know the WHY of life. WHY me? WHY did I go through that? WHY did no one notice? WHY do I not know the purpose of the pain? All of these WHY’s have left me in a place that is not happy and is not satisfied. I have no problem admitting that I have caused some of the problems that I now face.
Life has an odd way of making you appreciate life. Close to two years ago now, I had lost nearly all hope. I felt that no one trusted me or would listen to me. That every word that I cried out was falling upon deaf ears- so I started to internalize all of the pain. I told myself that I would deal with it later, when I had less on my plate, when I could really cope with everything that it caused inside. I put on my happy face and I told everyone that I was really okay- because I thought it was what people expected of me. As a people pleaser, it is hard to step away from the expectations that are self imposed and let down the walls.
Recently, I moved and it was almost like my subconscious had been waiting for that moment. It had been waiting to get away from the place of pain, so that I could open up my little box of buried issues and start tackling them. At this point, I’m not sure if ‘little box’ is quite accurate- but we’ll stick with that for right now. I know some people probably do not have these little boxes that get filled with the extra emotional burden that life throws at you. I know that internalizing all of these issues has probably caused an undue amount of stress on my system (and probably a few extra premature grey hairs), but there is no changing what has happened. There is no changing all of the issues that are left to be worked through.
I am not going to make this into some sort of resolution or promise that I will come back here every day and tackle more of my issues, although that would probably be healthier for me. I just know that it is hard to talk about me- the real me. The person that I do not let people see or know, because she is not happy with herself and who can really accept you when you can’t accept yourself? Again- that is another very harsh self judgement, but it is one that I truly live with every day.
I live with the pain of knowing that I caused so many issues with my family, by doing something that was probably really good for my life. I live with the pain of thinking about how much I was run over, mistreated and terrorized by people that I had no choice to live with. I live with the pain of knowing that I have closed myself off to so much of life, because I wonder if I will be able to pull myself out of another disappointment- I wonder how much more I can take. I live with the pain of a year’s worth of trials, where I honestly wondered where God went. I live with my little box of issues that I try to take a flowery approach to, because I have always placed myself in the spot of the ‘brave one’, of the person that can deal with just about anything with a smile on her face. I’m tired of being brave and smiling when I should be crying, of laughing my way through the day- when I don’t feel the laughter inside.
I guess this is the part where I get to my dreams- I’ve already confessed to the pains that I still feel eating at me- driving me to the cookie dough ice cream and emotional country songs on days when it becomes too much. (And if you are wondering- I lost the battle to the emotional country songs already.) I haven’t thought about my dreams in a long time, because it has almost been as hard as dealing with the pain. It is hard when you feel like your dreams are unattainable or that you’ll be judged that your dreams are stupid. The unattainable bit is something that I have placed on myself- the stupid part, well- it pretty much comes from an issue that I am still fighting to deal with- the issue of feeling unappreciated, which is probably worse than all of the other things that I have dealt with combined.
I dream that one day, I will be happy again. I dream that one day, I can help someone like me, someone that has gotten into the perpetual rut of just being too hard on themselves. I dream of writing a book. I dream of a white picket fence, a dog, a husband, and 2.5 children (maybe not the .5- but I’m going to stick with the average here). I dream of a job that I enjoy- not one that I happen to be good at. I guess the point here is simple- I still dream. At one time I would have apologized for being an idealist dreamer, but I guess now that is something that I like. I like that dream, I like that when the day gets too much and when everything else is falling in on me- I can look at my dreams and say that there is still some potential. I can say that I dream of a better life and while it might just be a dream right now, I am sure it will happen. Eventually. Some day. But until then- I’ll just dream.